teacherbees's Xanga

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 04:21:32 GMT

Today was possibly the hardest day since my Mom's funeral. It is one month since she died and while I didn't think the idea of a month anniversary would have so much of an impact on me emotionally, it certainly has.

I think the emotional tailspin really got going when Emily called me this morning to report that her review had gone well. In talking about the process, she mentioned how much the committee liked her findings and then added something about how she'd passed with flying colors even though she cried. I thought she was joking until she went on to explain her statement.

It is customary, when doing these kinds of reports, for students to put in a slide of acknowledgment at the end of their presentations. Emily had decided to use a photo of Grammy - when it come up on the screen, bigger than life, she said she was overcome with emotion and began to tear up. WHile she had intended to speak of Grammy's unwavering pride in her work and support for her as a person, all she could say was that her grandmother had died a month ago after a lifetime of battling diabetes - the disease that Emily is involved in finding a cure for.

After the presentation, Emily apologized to her advisor for the display of emotion. He told her to never apologize for loving someone and that, in revealing her tender heart, she had given the committee a glimpse into the very human side of research. Rather than coming across as an emotionless scientist out to make a name or money for themselves, Emily revealed a higher motivation to work in the field of diabetes research. When Jonathon was explaining this to her, Emily said she burst into tears again.

And then we both cried as she told me the story. And my crying has continued on through the day and night. Having the deacon party here was a bit of torture. I'm glad everyone could get together and meet Elisha and Candice but all I really wanted to do was get in my pajamas and cry myself to sleep.

I was so in need of someone to talk with that I called Becky. Uncle Als' one month anniversary of his death was on Labor Day and she described that day as sheer agony. Like me, Becky has no desire to go through the holidays.

(Possibly) Swiny and Definitely Whiney

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 14:14:53 GMT

The minute the last child filed out of the room on Monday, I laid down on the front row to rest a bit before beginning the task of packing up. Given how I felt that day, getting my stuff into the crates and bins for transport down the stairs loomed as large as having to climb Mt. Everest - with weights on.

My thought was to rest just long enough to make the ringing in my head go away and, perhaps, even muster up a tiny bit of energy. What actually happened, however, was that I fell asleep and didn't awaken until Terri came upstairs to find me. HAHA. Nothing like falling asleep on the job and having your boss be the one who discovers your slumbering hulk. I suppose it could have been worse - such as having a classroom full of students (KINDERGARTNERS) in the room while I snored on.

When I came home, I didn't even take time to get my purse out of the car, much less all the piles, crates, satchels and bins of teaching materials. I got out of the car, went into the kitchen to prepare dinner, decided there was no way that was going to happen and then went straight to bed. Where I stayed until yesterday when I rose from the dead just to go play for the Seniors.

And then I went through the usual Wednesday routine only to come home and throw up all night. What's with this?

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 21:37:23 GMT

Yesterday was one of those days when I honestly don't know I got through all my hours of teaching. From chapel on to the last child filing out of the room and me falling asleep on the chairs in the sanctuary, I was pretty out-of-it.

I felt bad when I got there and worse as the day wore on. My lesson plans were simple - use the colorful class charts I'd made up months ago to go through every song in the musical and assess how students were doing. Of course I turned this into a challenge for the kids - could they sing every song before the class period was up and could they do well enough to earn a star beside that song on the chart???? Every class was eager to show me their stuff. I told them they could sit down on some of the songs that had minimal choreography. Poor clueless children thought it was a treat I was offering on their behalf rather than an absolute necessity for me to sit before I passed out.

Kindergarten was something else! Tono, Elisha and Amy almost drove me crazy. I told Elisha he'd have to move a clip when he got back downstairs, only to learn he was already on red, with no place lower to go. I was ready to go down there myself and make a whole new section of BLACK!!!!! Turns out he's suspended from school, beginning today.

This is how bad it was in kindergarten - we were working on a song and the Trio of Terror was doing everything they could to disrupt singing. I stopped the song in the middle to discipline (something I try never to do), got ready to start again, and then just turned to the class and said, "No, we're not going to sing that song again. I'm done" (There were only about 2 minutes left anyway - time to hand out stickers, line them up against the wall, and shoot a few of them. JUST KIDDING!)

As I was making the pronouncement about how we were done with music, I said, "OK, boys and girls, we're not going to do this again. I'm....." before I could finish up with "done for the day", Old Soul Giovanna looked up at me with her sweet seriousness and said, "struggling". HAHA. That's not something I've ever said in class but maybe Alyson uses that particular word when dealing with those rascals every day. At least it wasn't "homicidal" - which might be how I'd feel if I was their homeroom teacher.

Not that there aren't adorable little ones in that class. Many of them are wonderful to work with. One of my best moments of the day yesterday came from watching Gizela sing her heart out on one of the songs. She was completely involved in making a joyful and incredibly sweet noise, and totally unaware of anything going on around her. A very precious moment.

Monday, November 02, 2009

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 01:47:36 GMT

I keep expecting Terri to tell me I'm screwing up and I need to pull myself together. Instead of the expected recriminations, she began recounting a conversation she had with another principal. For whatever reason, Terri was discussing my music program. She must've been doing a good job tooting my horn because the other principal wanted to know if I'd be willing to work at her school, too. When Terri indicated I wasn't interested, Principal 2 then wanted to know if I'd be willing to sell the curriculum program I've developed!!!

Now, there's an idea. I'll just quit my job and sell the Stoops Elementary Music Curriculum. As if! I can't imagine selling something that might be of use to other teachers. If Terri's principal wants to share in some of the resources I've found useful, it would be my great pleasure to pass along what I have.

Just knowing that Terri values my work (especially now when I feel like i"m barely hanging on) is better than getting money, anyway.

Monday, November 02, 2009

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 00:50:13 GMT

We have swine flu at the school. I don't want to put names out on the internet but one of the children who has it is pretty sick. Poor baby.

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 07:20:17 GMT

I spent some time this evening writing out the words to Rescue and putting my SinG binder in order. Not to mention doing lots of work on the school musical. Soon, December will be here and "Christmas County Spelling Bee" will finally be over with!

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 04:07:20 GMT

I think exhaustion makes it harder for me to stay on top of my emotions. After working the block party at church all day today I came home, sat down to rest, and started crying as I thought about Whitey's birthday and, more than that, how very much I miss my mom.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 13:11:03 GMT

With the death of my mother, I have gained admittance into a club I never wanted to be a part of - women who have lost their moms.

It's kind of a secret society in the fact that very few talk about it, until time comes to initiate a new member into the fold. I'm reminded of the days immediately after the death of my son Daniel when I suddenly became aware of every other mother who had delivered a stillborn child or lost a child in pregnancy. It's just not something most of us discuss with others - unless it is to help another grieving mom.

With the Orphan Daughters Club, I'm not even sure other women are seeking so much to comfort me as they are wanting me to understand how deep the loss is. So many older women have walked up to me with tears in their eyes, telling me that they still miss their moms TWENTY-FIVE years after the deaths of these sweet women. Anita Kraft confessed that she still picks up the phone to call her mom, even though its been more than two decades since she died.

Every death is profound and painful. I wouldn't want to compare the sense of grief I feel in Greg's death to that of my mom's. Both will affect me for the rest of my life. I do, however, think that when a woman loses her mom, there is no other death that can quite equal that type of loss. It's not something you can explain to another woman - but it's something you instantly know when your own mother dies.

It's grief beyond measure to lose the future of a child and to have a brother die in the prime of his life - but in the death of my mother, I find myself in a whole new realm of loss and sorrow. When those scores of other women come up and tell me their own stories of the moms they grieve so many, many years later I now know exactly what they mean.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 04:27:55 GMT

Terri told me was going to offer me a "gift" - and then she proceeded to tell me that I am excused from attending ACSI Convention in November.

Wow. That surprised me. Ironically, as I was driving to the school to get the news I had this feeling of being very overwhelmed and wishing I had about 3 days when I could stay home, take the phone off the hook, stay in my pajamas and veg out. Maybe if I spent that entire time crying and sleeping, I'd get this sadness out of my system?

As far as Convention goes, I have mixed feelings - I love the Convention Hall and the opportunity to buy things for my classroom. I love the money we get from the board so we can buy those cool things for the classroom, and I even love the chance to play lots of board games with the other teachers.

As much as all those things sound inviting, the thought of a whole week off, with no travel and no hotel rooms is very, very enticing. I have a few days to make my decision so I'm going to pray about it before telling Terri what I'm going to do.

cheerleaders

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 13:59:32 GMT

The poms for my little cheerleaders came in this weekend and the girls absolutely love them. They used them in chapel and then begged me to have them for recess! They do look adorable when they do their routine.